just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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