New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize