i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Randomize
