Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
