That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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