this boner is exhausting
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
whose parrot is this?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
