Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
