Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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