...so i touched it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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