She said her name was "party"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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