I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
