A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
