i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
