so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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