He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Terrible idea I love it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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