My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
