and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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