i already hear my dad disowning me
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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