My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize