I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
