She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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