my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
