Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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