I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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