Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize