There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
