im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
