You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
