I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
