From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
