i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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