So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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