There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's official drugs can't kill me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
