Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
