I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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