Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
