dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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