i already hear my dad disowning me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
