I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
