Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
