You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
