I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I want a musical about memes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
