So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
