9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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