You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My life is pants optional.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
