i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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