I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
