Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize