You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
