awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
