is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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