ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
