Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
