I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
