Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Buhtt sex?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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