Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
