my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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