It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Let's get the cat blown out
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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