I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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