My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
