Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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