mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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