I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
