Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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