My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
