Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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