Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
