so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
