Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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