I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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