I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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