No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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