did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
