She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
