I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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